


Round & Round (Hide & Seek II)

by kimzhingstories



Series: Betting, Betting [2]
Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Reader-Insert, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 12:00:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20425619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimzhingstories/pseuds/kimzhingstories
Summary: “Baby, I think we’re confusedDo you feel the same? Do you know, but are pretending not to?Do you feel the same? I don’t want to be just friends anymoreWe keep spinning round and round…”





	Round & Round (Hide & Seek II)

To say that you are terrified is an understatement. 

There are no exact words to describe how you feel right now but you know that excitement and happiness are far from it. After that call with your manager, you stayed frozen in place and willed yourself to have a semblance of control to your world that felt like - and still does - spinning. You could still remember that if it was not for the call from your friend and fellow staff, Jieun, you would still have remained rooted to your spot. It felt like someone pulled the rug under you and now you are left staggering. Fast forward to almost thirteen hours in the plane, you and your team are on your final descent to Berlin. Only a few hours left before you will see the man you want to avoid, and long for at the same time.

“Hey, I know it’s not much but I’m not going to assign you on anything specific so that it will be easy for you to avoid him. You can help out on any task you want. I already told manager-nim about this plan and she agreed.” Jieun took your ice cold hands and held on to them tight. Your friend is the team leader for both Berlin and Paris concert stops so she gets to choose what are the specific tasks that she could assign to you and the rest of the team. Somehow, that is a blessing in disguise. Jieun knew about what happened and has been very supportive and understanding about it. “Just make sure to be very cautious all the time. If you see him backstage, you should go out and help on the stage preparations. When you see him on stage, find a way to exit and look for me backstage. I will cover for you as much as I can but you still have to do the hard work. Okay?” 

You could not help but tear up after what you hearhd. You reached out to hug Jieun, murmured your thanks and fought deep inside to keep your tears at bay. This is hard; really hard for you. Because, to be honest, meeting Hwiyoung again is not what daunts you. What terrifies you is your possible reaction when you see him. You are terrified of how much you miss him; of how much pretending that he does not exist for more than a month now took a toll on you. How you felt like a piece of yourself gets carved away from you every single day that you keep yourself away from him. The Herculean effort that you put in those past weeks that you ignored his calls and messages felt like a joke now. 

Fate, really, is cruel. It is ridiculous how you became its plaything. 

You shut your eyes tight as the plane completed its landing. The people around you started scrambling up for their bags and luggage. Some fired up their phones, ready to take in what Berlin has to offer. Ready to get on with their lives. With a shaky inhale and exhale of breath, you toughen up your resolve and put on the usual armor, that you have been wearing for days, around your heart. 

As you and your team drove to the same hotel where the boys are staying, you toughen your resolve triple, quadruple times. 

The sooner you get over this, the better for you. You can avoid Hwiyoung. You have to and you will. And you can do it. You have been doing it for what felt like a lifetime now so there is no reason for you to get daunted like this. Regardless of what and how you feel, you have to accept the fact that Hwiyoung is a star. Someone who, in the first place, should be unreachable for you. Though the world decided to put you close to that star, you have to back down so that your star could continue shining. After all, that star is not meant for you to hold and keep for yourself.

**-0-0-0-0-0-**

To say that Hwiyoung is distressed is an understatement. 

The support crew for their group’s Los Angeles, Moscow and Warsaw concert stops left for Seoul earlier today. Youngbin just came out of the hotel room that he and Taeyang are occupying after informing them that a new set of support crew will fly from Seoul to Berlin for the concert.

You are one of the crew members who will arrive today. 

Youngbin gave him a meaningful glance before he left the room. A silent warning that he should not, in any way, do anything stupid. A look discreet enough that Taeyang, who spaces out most of the time, would not notice. After that day in Warsaw, when Youngbin told him and the rest of the members about the rumors involving the two of you, his hyungs and Chani did not talk about it anymore. It is usually like that for all of them. Anything that involves personal feelings and matters, unless voluntarily shared with the others, will not be a topic of discussion. There are no set of rules about it but they respect each others' privacy. The rumors about the two of you are one of those things. 

Hwiyoung is dying to see you. But at the same time, it stresses him that his thoughts are still in haywire after he found out about the issue. His heart still pounds like crazy whenever he thinks that you might not feel the same way about him. He loves you, that is for sure. He is willing to shout that to the world. Reckless as it may seem, he is willing to let people know that you mean so much to him. If only he has the freedom and luxury to do so. But this feels too much, even for him. The rumors affect, not just him and you, but also his SF9 brothers and Fantasy. When Hwiyoung learned the depth of the issue after talking to their manager, he finally thought that being away from you while they finish the remaining concert stops of their Unlimited tour is actually a good thing. He will have enough time to clear his thoughts. Enough time to think over things and somehow, find something, anything rational to say to you and to the rest of the people that got affected by the rumors. 

This is the last thing that he wants Fantasy and the members to go through. He could not let them suffer because of him. They have given him so much love and support that up until now, Hwiyoung still feels that he is unworthy of all these. The fact that Fantasy and his brothers must be suffering because of him is tearing him to apart. They are taking the blow because of something that he did. 

A time apart is what he needs. But even that, fate is testing his limits and toying with him. 

As Hwiyoung continues camping in their bedroom, he knows that you are probably on your way to the hotel. He will see you any time soon. Thinking that you might not feel the same way as he does still makes him shudder. But after a few moments with himself, he finally thought that he has pressing matters to face aside from the possibility of a broken heart. 

“Ya, Hwiyoung-a. Do you want to go out and grab food with me?” Taeyang asked. Just like him, his hyung is just lazing on his bed. Lucky for Hwiyoung, Taeyang is the type who does not pry. His hyung dotes him to no end but whenever he sees that Hwiyoung wants to be alone, Taeyang always gives him space. The only interruptions are his hyung making sure that he does not skip any meal - just like today. “Rowoon-hyung told me that there’s a great restaurant just outside the hotel.” 

Hwiyoung got up and was about to say “yes” when a knock sounded from the door. 

“Hey, kids!” It was Dawon’s voice. “The support team from Seoul is here now. Let’s go and greet them. Get out quickly.” 

It took every ounce of strength in his body to stop himself from standing up, wrenching the door open and rushing to you. He closed his hands tight as if willing himself to stay still while listening to the members who are already outside to greet you and your team. This is what people have been asking him to do; that is what he is supposed to do - stay still - hold himself together. He should stay away from you. Hwiyoung can feel his nails digging on the palm of his hands, so hard that it felt like he is going to draw blood soon. The pull to go and see you is so intense that it felt like all the muscles in his body are aching and screaming for him to just let go and do what he wants. It’s as if his body knows that, all these confusion and terrifying thoughts, will quiet down once he stands near you. Because you are his solace; the calm to his storm. 

He felt Taeyang’s comforting hand on his shoulder, drawing him away from his thoughts. “Let’s go, Hwiyoung-a. I know this is hard but believe me, you can do this. We’ll be with you.” 

Taeyang’s hold is still firm on his shoulder when the two of them went out. The rest of the members are already there. He can feel the tension from his members. Luckily, Dawon, Inseong and Jaeyoon are lightening up the mood with their usual chaos. Rowoon and Zuho joining in to the fun. Chani was just sleepy while Youngbin just stood there, unmoving. 

When the elevator dinged to a stop, Hwiyoung’s heart started beating in staccato. There was a bit of raucous inside when the elevator door opened and each of the support crew team started piling outside one by one. Everybody looked excited. Who wouldn’t be when you are in a city as beautiful as Berlin? He and the members were on cloud nine when they found out the cities where the concerts will be held for this tour. 

Then, you came out. You look travel weary, which was expected because of the long flight that you have been on. You look exhausted and your eyes lack their usual sparkle. Yet, he could swear the entire atmosphere shifted when you went out of the elevator. The impact of seeing you knocked Hwiyoung’s breath out but he remained composed on the outside. Despite the effect of your arrival, he felt Taeyang’s hold tightened on his shoulder. In hindsight, he saw Youngbin moved closer to him. 

All of them are friends with the crew and staff that they work with so everybody was really excited. There was a rush of ‘how are yous’, fist bumps and bear hugs. Hwiyoung noticed, that just like him, you remained as detached from the crowd as possible. If he knew any better, you look like you are hiding behind Jieun. 

He willed you to look at him, to acknowledge him, but it was so apparent, so obvious how you tried so hard to look away. 

**-0-0-0-0-0-**

All these time, you thought you are strong. You thought you can handle anything that would come your way because at an early age, you have been trained by your family to be independent. But apparently, no training of independence could have ever prepared you for a broken heart. Nothing could.

It has been two months since the concert in Berlin - two months since you took the earliest flight available the day after the concert and flew back to Seoul alone. 

You managed to avoid Hwiyoung that day. Well, on the early parts of the day and during the concert. You managed to find a way to work with the tech team instead of the wardrobe team which made it easier for you to keep your distance from him. Sure your eyes met his a couple of times while they were on stage for the sound check. You tried, with all your might, to not look his way but it was impossible when he glances at you every chance he got. His eyes lackluster. You noticed how his usual twinkling gazes were not present then. It was as if something took the stars away from his eyes and left those beautiful orbs dull and lifeless. Instead, you saw questions in his eyes. His gaze asking for explanations. Explanations from you. Youngbin told you that Hwiyoung and the boys already knew about the rumors. That somehow, Hwiyoung must have already put the pieces together on why you purposely ignored him. You realized though, that you no longer have the confidence to face Hwiyoung. You admitted to yourself that you are too scared to face him - to face his reaction on what you did after you found out about the rumors. 

When the concert started, you almost cried with so much relief when his eyes sparkled again when he saw the cheering crowd of Fantasy. You could never forget how captivating he and the boys looked on their group performances and solo/duet stages. You are, after all, a Fantasy, too. When Youngbin and Hwiyoung came out and performed “ZerOff”, you stood transfixed as you watched how he got so immersed in the music, how he and their leader set the stage on fire. That is one of the countless things that drew you to him. Whenever he is on stage, especially when he goes out to showcase his rap skills, to you he always looks so unreal, so ethereal. The way he clearly delivers the words, the way he puts so much emotion into his voice and the way he gets to connect with the audience - those scream so much passion. Those things show that, where he is at now and the people he is with, means the world to him. And every single time, you fall head over heels in love. 

You can still recall how there was never a time when the crowd in Berlin looked like they were not enjoying the concert. Their faces were all lit up. Their eyes sparkled. From the distance where you stood that day, the light sticks that Fantasy were holding looked like stars scattered across the galaxy. Right then and there, your resolve solidified. What you saw that day was the world that Hwiyoung and his group deserve. They deserve the love and support that Fantasy give them. They deserve the world. You know that is not something you can take away from them just because you are in love with Hwiyoung. 

But fate did not let you go unscathed that day. 

When SF9 performed “Dear Fantasy” for their fans, Hwiyoung looked your way, your eyes met, and he smiled at you. Not a small smile but his full on gummy smile that you love so dearly. As you look back to that day, you still consider it a miracle that you did not break down and cry. Because when he gave you that smile, it felt like your entire world collapsed and the only thing that you want to do then was to run to Hwiyoung, ask for his forgiveness, tell him you love him and just throw caution on the air. You can still remember how you firmly planted yourself to the spot where you stood then. You have no idea what emotions must have been painted on you face that day because for the first time, your most favorite smile, the smile that usually brightens your world, broke your heart. How can he still smile at you when all you did was avoid him? How can he still look at you adoringly when you left him hanging just because your only rational thought to defend him from the issue is to not go near him? 

Apparently, that was not the end of it. 

The concert ended with the boys beaming widely. You were all in the backstage, then. The staff helping the boys change from their last concert outfits to comfortable clothes. The rush of activities was so overwhelming yet nothing could ever compare to the excitement of the boys. Rowoon was so amused that Fantasy danced with them. He said that the concert felt and looked more like a party. Chani was laughing at him while eating the cake that the staff gave the boys to congratulate them right after their final performance. Dawon, Inseong and Jaeyoon were huddled in one corner, watching a video of the concert that their manager took for them. Taeyang was humming to himself after he changed into comfortable clothes and slumped on to the vacant seat near him. He looked tired but a satisfied smile was beautifully curved on his lips. Both Youngbin and Zuho were playing with the guitar that were brought by the sound team. You did not see Hwiyoung around. He’s still probably changing out of his stage outfit so you carried on helping Jieun arranging the boys’ concert outfits inside the huge luggage. As you were about to finish packing up, Jieun told you that she has to go to the tech team and help them sort out things as well. You told her that you would finish arranging the clothes yourself. 

Not a minute passed after Jieun left when you felt the warmth of a familiar hand encircled your wrist, urging you to stand up. When you looked up, you saw Hwiyoung. Maybe then, your eyes held so much hesitation because his blank expression turned pleading. You stood up and allowed him to take you back to the already darkened concert hall. You thought, just for the night, you could give in to what your heart has been wanting to do since you arrived in Berlin, since the last time you saw him and that is to be with him even just for awhile. The lights in the concert hall has long been extinguished; only the lights that came from outside illuminated the now empty space in slits of brightness. It felt strange that not even an hour ago, the concert hall has been full of cheering Fantasy. Now, it looked hallowed. 

The two of you did not broke the silence immediately. To you, it felt like both of you were trying to gauge what the other feels. You focused your gaze somewhere, anywhere but him that you almost flinched when Hwiyoung spoke. 

“Nuna….” 

And as if under a spell, you looked up to him. You felt your knees shook, every muscle in your body urged you to go to him, wrap your arms around him so that you can erase the questions in his eyes. Gone was the young man who set the stage on fire earlier with his performance; the man who looked her way and smiled at her. The Hwiyoung that stood in front of her looked defenseless, like one word from you would cut him in half. 

“Hwiyoung-a.” You tried your best to give him a smile. “You did really well today.” 

“What am I to you, nuna?” 

His blunt question floored you. He looked like he is keeping himself still just so he would not approach you and shake the senses out of you. His hands were clenched in fists. His eyes full of questions but the rest of his expression now looked hard. 

Deep inside, you felt your heart donning its most solid armor. “What do you mean? I care for you. You are a really good friend.” 

“Am I really? Just a friend?” 

“What do you really want to hear from me, Kim Hwiyoung?” 

Hwiyoung visibly flinched. In an instant, he finally stood in front of you, gripping your shoulders tight. “I want honesty from you, Y/N. I want you to tell me the truth.” 

You turned your gaze away and Hwiyoung let go of you in frustration. He turned away from you. His entire figure shaking. 

When he looked at you again, his eyes were full of accusation. “I don’t understand. I just don’t understand. How can you decide by yourself without letting me know? The rumors, those rumors are not just about me, Y/N! Those rumors are about the two of us. Did it ever crossed your mind that I need to know about it, too? That somehow, I should be the person that you should confide to instead of you going about and avoiding me?” 

“And you think that would solve things? That if people continue to see us together, they would just stay silent and not speculate more? You should realize, Hwiyoung, that you will lose more if things would blow up. You and the rest of the members will suffer only because of someone like me. I have nothing to lose!” You finally fixed your eyes on him and motioned to the empty space. “You bring so much joy to those people, Hwiyoung-a. Your music can touch hearts. It already does. Do you want to lose all that?” 

“Only I know the people and things that I want to keep and let go of, Y/N. This is not just about me losing my career. This is mostly about what’s going on between us. Can’t you just be honest with me? Those people, these rumors would not even be present if they did not see anything. These came up because they saw that there is something special going on between us.”

You reached out and cupped his cheek, looked up to him and stared intently into his eyes. “Then, let me be honest with you. I care for you. I really do.” You stopped yourself from taking a deep breath because that would betray and expose how you really feel. “I care for you because you are like a younger brother to me. You and the rest of the boys. I stayed away from you because I care so much about what would happen if things would blow up no matter how groundless those rumors are.” 

Hwiyoung then pressed his forehead against yours. His eyes pleading. “But… I love you.”

Until now, you still cannot believe that those words could hurt like daggers to your heart. 

**-0-0-0-0-0-**

You left him that night, two months ago. After he bared his heart out to you, you left without saying anything. He tried tricking himself into believing that you run away because you need time to let what he said sink in. But then, he found out that you left for Seoul the next morning. 

Until this very moment, Hwiyoung still does not know what to feel. Well, if he could just be honest to himself and accept the fact that you really only consider him as your little brother, then maybe he would know what to call his feelings. He is hurting, that’s for sure. But it is that kind of hurt that numbs him to the core. It’s not the kind that would make him want to drown himself in alcohol, not the kind that would make him want to scream until his voice gets hoarse and not the kind that would make him want to take vengeance. He just… does not feel anything anymore.

And so for the past two months, Hwiyoung spent most of his time inside his studio. He wrote lyrics after lyrics that would usually go unfinished way before they could even make up an entire song. Apparently, when your heart gets crushed, you really become a poet. Much to his dismay. After he writes down the lines, he would read it and find himself in the lyrics. Those lines were the exact reflection of what he is feeling. Those feelings that he did not allow anybody to see. 

Whenever he is around the members, Hwiyoung would wear his most neutral expression, burying what he truly feels behind a mask of steady calm. He could no longer count the number of times when either Inseong, Jaeyoon or Dawon would invite him to go out for a drink. Inseong thought that the best way for Hwiyoung to let out everything is to get drunk. His hyungs know that he gets talkative whenever he is intoxicated by liquor. They tried to stage so many drinking sessions but by the third time they did it, Dawon just simply gave up because the three of them would usually end up getting knocked out first. Instead of Hwiyoung pouring out his hurt, which is the main purpose of all the liver killer drinking sessions, the three of them always end up embarrassing themselves. None of them could ever defeat Hwiyoung’s supreme alcohol tolerance. His other hyungs and Chani started their own versions of activities to comfort him and somehow squeeze even just a tiny bit of emotion from him. Rowoon treated him with delicious food and snacks every chance he gets. Contrary to what the chaos trio believe, Rowoon said you can always find comfort in food. But Taeyang told Rowoon that he will ultimately get poor way before Hwiyoung can move on because Rowoon does not only buy food for Hwiyoung but for the other two maknaes as well. Ultimately, Rowoon’s food party dwindled down into just a few pieces of snacks for each of the young ones. Youngbin suggested that he should go out for a stroll, that a breath of fresh air always helps. Taeyang offered his solo hours in the studio to Hwiyoung and told him that maybe if he dances to his heart’s content, he will be able to let out what he is keeping inside. Chani just kept on giving him bottle after bottle of black barley drink. 

Until that one afternoon when Zuho grabbed Hwiyoung and kept him hostage inside his studio. 

Zuho’s studio is his sanctuary. For the members, it kind of became a habit that the studio is off limits to them unless Zuho wants them there when they need to collaborate on writing the lyrics of songs for their albums or whenever he would ask them to help him with out with the demo songs. Hwiyoung is one of those members who have worked inside Zuho’s studio a lot because the two of them collaborate in rap making often. 

His hyung told him to sit down and gave him a cup of chamomile tea. Then, Zuho sat on the chair across Hwiyoung. 

“I know we promised not to barge into each other’s private life,” Zuho began. “But I can’t sit still and just keep on watching, Hwiyoung-a.”

“Hyung, believe it or not. I’m okay.” His lie tasted like bile inside his mouth. 

“No, you’re not. Do not lie to me. I know you more than that.” Zuho directed his piercing stare to Hwiyoung. “You are keeping it inside, Hwiyoung-a. You’re hurting. Everybody is making an effort to comfort you, to help you let it all out but you still keep it to yourself. We are your family. It pains us to see you like that, too.” 

Hwiyoung’s shoulders sagged. And in a small voice, he told Zuho what he has never told anybody. “I… I just don’t know what to do, hyung. I know I’m hurting but that’s it. I want to feel angry but I feel numb. I want to cry but I can’t.” 

He looked up when he saw a piece of paper and a pencil from Zuho. 

“Then write down how you feel. Let it out through your words, your lyrics. Put a melody to your sadness. Let the world hear it. Let her hear it.” 

**-0-0-0-0-0-**

You have been sitting in front of your computer, unmoving, for the last couple of hours now. The screen displaying the same thing since the time you powered up the machine. Hwiyoung’s voice echoing in your room. 

When your phone dinged with a notification from SF9’s fan cafe, the last person you expected to post an update was Hwiyoung. But this time, you are wrong. You held your phone with shaking hands as you stared at the screen, seeing his name like flashing red lights. 

You miss him. So much that, when you left that day, it felt like you also left a part of you with Hwiyoung. So much that it felt like a limb was cut away from your body. When you arrived in Seoul, your manager did not ask questions when you told her that you need to get away from him as soon as possible. Instead, she went straight to the CEO and asked if it was possible to transfer you to the drama department of the company. Both of them must have seen the desperation in your eyes because, without any hesitation and objection, the CEO immediately called the head manager of the company’s satellite office in Busan to processed your transfer. 

And so here you are, away from the main office and away from Hwiyoung. However, after a week of staying in Busan, you realized that removing yourself from Seoul is the only distance you are capable of putting between you and Hwiyoung. You continue on keeping tabs on the boys’ activities. You even went through the lengths of creating a fan account both in SNS and fan cafe just so you would not miss any updates from them - from Hwiyoung. 

For weeks now, you have been waiting for Hwiyoung to post an update. Of course you have seen his weekly tweets after every radio broadcast that he has been going but, still, you want more. Now, here it is. The update that you have been waiting for - a fan cafe update. With a deep breath, you opened the notification and got routed to his post in fan cafe. In there, you saw a link from a music site and your heart beat roared like thunder. He must have finally dropped his own music account! You clicked the link and after a few minutes, his baritone voice enveloped you. 

“Snow” felt like an accusation to everything that you have been running away from. From everything that you want to forget but can't. It was as if Hwiyoung wrote down all the questions he has for you and tied it all around the lyrics of the song. The melody was not even sad. It was soothing. His voice sounded really soothing. The voice that has become familiar to you. The voice that you have always wanted to listen to. His voice that you have not heard for months. But his words - the lyrics - were razor sharp. Shameless as it may seem, you know in your heart, that he wrote the song with you in mind. When you finally reached the last note, you felt like your heart and soul have been completely shredded to pieces. And you know you deserve nothing less.

_ “But… I love you.” _

You let Hwiyoung’s voice continue to surround you. The song on loop in the background. You let yourself get cut over and over again because finally, you can feel something now. For so long, you have been like a ghost, an empty shell, incapable of feeling something because the hurt has numb you. 

You continued looking at your screen - at the ticket that you bought a few weeks ago for UNIXERSE Seoul. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reaching the end of this part :) I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing this. 
> 
> If you'd like to talk to me about this series, you can say "Hi" to me in Twitter: @kimzhing 
> 
> xoxo


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